---

Living Memories

by Claudio Gratton

---

The Dalai Lama shows no anger toward the Chinese, even though the policy of the Chinese government for years has been to practice genocide toward Tibetans, culturicide toward their institutions, beliefs, and everything they hold dear, and geocide toward the very land they live on. When asked about his apparent lack of anger toward the Chinese by an incredulous reporter at the time he won the Nobel Peace Prize, the Dalai Lama replied something to the effect that: " They have taken everything from us; should I let them take my mind as well?" (Kabat-Zinn, J. Wherever you go, there you are. New York: Hyperion, 1994)

I often find myself thinking of Pia. The memories are still fresh in my memory. Usually small apparently insignificant things come to mind. The sweater she wore on a particular day. The look on her face when we got into trouble. The smile on her face when we would come to visit and she would meet us at the airport. All I have to go from is old memories not to be replenished by new ones. I worry that time will inevitably erode away at some. Will there come a day when I look into my thoughts and only see her through a veil, not sure of what is really there? Only the silhouette present, the general outline of her but no details visible?

It is unfortunate but time will take its toll. The same way that time helps ease the pain by rounding off the sharp edges of jagged feelings, it will slowly wear away at pleasant details of years past. If we ignore these persistent processes by living as if nothing happened and hiding from good and bad remembrances, we will wake out of our stupor ten years from now and the past will only be a shadow. The slow trickle of time having eroded all but the most poignant memories. Only the more dramatic peaks will persist.

We can pre-empt this fate however. But to do this we must first actively jar ourselves out of the auto-pilot mode which is our daily life routine and our reflex-like thought patterns. Only then can we absorb everything around us without the blur and confusion of preconceptions and biases. We can better understand who we are, why we are who we are and the people who help us in that direction and more fully appreciate our link to the past.

One of the things to do is to bring details to forefront. There is no such thing as an "apparently insignificant" memory. Pia is an integral part of me -- who I am. The values she instilled in me are in part a mirror of her. An awareness of this makes the view into my memories less obstructed and more vibrant. Her energy, charm, and life is still around me because I can remember and choose to act on what she taught me.

In a sense her death was a jarring I needed to realize what she had done for me and for other people. I had the wake-up call and can see clearer because of it. Every day I repeat the wake-up routine to remind myself not to take life for granted, not to ignore the present. All with the hope that I will not many years from now look and back and see only shadows.